It's not my fault - the Wedding Season is over.

Thank god for that. The wedding season is over! Fantastic. One of the problems of being the UK's most highly sought after husband and wife wedding photography team is the amount of weddings I have to go to. It really is a nightmare. This summer I've heard 17 Apache wedding poem's and 35 'Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes... blah blah blah' from Captain Corelli's Mandolin, which incidentally was a terrible film. I've made a stack of cash but I also owe a lot out for one reason or another. I hate being sued, but being sued by the Church as well as the bride and groom is going to be very expensive. It wasn't really my fault...
I'd been up for about 2 days on a bender and found myself in Bristol at a fancy Church. I was knackered and was coasting through the service on autopilot. Now this particular Church was a tricky one as there was only one place you can take photos from, behind a pillar on the left-hand side, next to the choir. I needed a big lens to get close to the action but I didn't really have the strength to hold it steady. Fortunately there was one of those big red fire extinguishers attached to the pillar. A perfect tripod. This is one of the things that separates the amateur from the Pro-Phot, being able to spot opportunities like that.

I leant up against the pillar and rested my telephoto on the extinguisher. Perfect. Steady as a rock. The second of the many hymns started and I began to daydream. The one good thing about Church weddings is you never get the Apache wedding blessing. Red Indians hated Church. I wonder if Native Americans have Captain Corelli at their weddings. I bet they have loads of booze and fire arrows around...

The bride's screams wake me up. All hell has broken out. She's completely drenched. The Vicar is shouting at me, "turn it off, turn it off you idiot". I must have nodded off. It takes me a few moments to compose myself. The fire extinguisher is spraying the last few drops of it contents, so there is no need to turn it off.

Now technically this is not really my fault, as some cheeky choirboy has removed the pin that prevents the extinguisher from being set off accidentally. It's not my fault. It is not my fault!

Comments (2)

  • Miserere


    06 February 2013 at 17:20 | #

    Derek, I feel for you. It clearly isn't your fault! Like that time I climbed to the top of the church tower to get an Eagle's Eye Modern Photo (TM) and knocked the minute hand off the clock. If the clock engineers had secured it well enough it wouldn't have broken off when I attempted to hang from it.

    And it wasn't my fault that it impaled one of the bride's maids; she was so fat it was impossible for the minute hand to hit the grass. Luckily, That hand wasn't as sharp as it looked and after 10 weeks in hospital the bride's maid was just fine. In fact, thanks to the crappy hospital food, she lost about half her body weight in fat, so if anything she should be grateful to me.

    The bride and groom were right stingy, too. I broke a lens filter when the minute hand came off and they wouldn't pay for it. It was one of those fancy multicoated ones too



    • Derek


      06 February 2013 at 17:20 | #

      feel your pain.

      Thanks for sharing.

      Your basic mistake is putting in any kind of effort to get the shot. Don't bother - shoot from the car. No one cares.

      All the best



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