Derek Pye's Terms and Conditions

Time is all in the mind and as such doesn't really exist. At least this is what I told the Judge at a recent court appearance. The bride and groom were attempting to sue me for being late. My defence rested on the notion that being late was in fact the same as being early. If you arrive early there will be no one around and the church will be closed. If you arrive late the doors will be closed and everyone will be inside. The effect is the same, how can you tell which is which?

The only way you really know is when your clients emerge from their dreary ceremony and find you asleep on the grass and your assistant dancing to his iPod on a gravestone. Fortunately the Judge found in my favour when I drew his attention to my Terms and Conditions.

Section 89 paragraph 36 subsection 23. A beacon in the form of a large bonfire should be lit outside the Church at least 1 hour prior to the ceremony. This signal is a guide to aid navigation and also signifies that the ceremony will begin shortly. Derek Pye Photography or his representatives cannot be held responsible for any confusion or late attendance caused by a failure to light such a fire.

There is a lesson here for the wannabe photographer - get your T and C's right from the start and you can't go far wrong.

Here are a few of my other favourites.

1. Dinner must be provided. Derek hates vegetarians and should not be seated next to any. Damage and breakages caused by seating Derek at a table of tree hugging, lentil-munching vegans are the responsibility of the clients.

2. The bride and groom are welcome to visit Derek Pye Photography for a pre wedding consultation but must agree to a full strip search on departure. Consultations are charged at £10 per minute or £50 per tedious question whichever is the greatest

3. A cooling off period of 3 years is strictly enforced. No pictures, albums or prints will be available to the bride and groom until they have been married for at least this amount of time.

4. Clients should inform their guests that anyone asking Derek how many mega pixels his camera has will result in the immediate termination of the booking.

5. All monies due should be paid in full, in cash at least 48 working days prior to the wedding. V.A.T is charged at 35%. No you can't have a receipt.

6. Copyright. Derek Pye photography owns the copyright to all images taken at your wedding. This includes all photographs taken by guests on their cameras, mobile phones or any other image capturing devices. Any disposable cameras left on tables should be collected at the end of the wedding and given to Derek's assistant. These cameras will be burnt and the ashes scattered from the roof of the venue.

There are loads more you can add. In fact the more T and C's you add the better. The harder they are for anyone to read the more likely you are to get away with them.

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