There has been a massive global warning doing the rounds recently, concerning climax change. Here at Derek Pye Photography we have been alarmed at this need to change our working methods to cater for the green bride. Consequently I have implemented many changes over recent months to reduce my carbon footprints to a mere tiptoe.
1. I’ve rented a premium rate number and attached a sign to the back of the glamour wagon that reads: ‘ Driven badly. Call this number 0900 etc’. Money raised from driving badly is then spent to replace the used petrol.
2. My assistant, Muktar, now walks to each wedding rather than travelling in the car with me. The reduced weight in the vehicle saves a bit of fuel and allows me to travel faster, especially as he is carrying all the equipment.
3. I’ve found over the years that clients often reject up to 99%, or more, of the images taken at a wedding. These images are no longer thrown away but are carried over to the next wedding.
4. All my postproduction and album manufacture has been out sourced to India, using only the finest child labour. This has dramatically reduced pollution, as the children involved walk to work, sometimes for many miles. The children are also much less likely to travel abroad on cut-price airlines, as they never seem to want a day off.
5. I’ve also today just thought up a new ‘package’. Derek Pye’s ‘ Gurn 'n’ Burn™’ service. This is a totally green low carbon, small portion wedding photography package. Muktar will walk to your wedding, take about 20 photos and burn them to disc during the signing of the register. You will be handed your memories as you walk back down the aisle.
6. I promise to make all my prints and albums 80% Lead Free by 2009. Existing customers should continue to use the special gloves provided to handle their photographs until they can afford to order replacement prints from my overseas supplier.
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Introducing a new product for professional and hobbyist photographers. The Derek Pye 'Cathedral Dome Flash Diffusing Kit'™
The Cathedral Dome attaches to ALL popular makes of flashgun and transmorphs the light into a exact simulacrum of the light found in St Paul's Cathedral at 4-30pm on a Saturday afternoon in August. This works anywhere - outdoors, in doors, it even works in Chelsea Registry office.
Dreams are just memories you haven’t had yet™ and here at Derek Pye Photography we specialize in extracting those dreams and turning them into concrete. Everyone hates weddings and yours will be no different, from the overlong tedious service, the grim food, to the terrible band. Your guests will be desperate to get away and you’ll be left with the massive bills and very little else. But wait! Help is at hand. With Derek Pye’s new improved Mistike™ package your wedding will live on in a kind of fantasy soft focus glow that will leave your guests gasping in warm delight. Unlike my hard hitting, uncompromising Reportedge™ style which leaves everything to chance and usually results in lots of pictures of the back of your head, Mistike™ is carefully stage managed to ensure images so satisfying you’ll only need to look at them once before locking them in a drawer (I’ve had lots of feedback to indicate this is true - it’s not just a sales pitch).
Occasionally the bride and groom ignore my advice and book a videographer anyway.