Do You Have An Unobtrusive Manor?

The modern bride is full of questions. I blame those terrible wedding magazines that think it’s clever to publish articles with the headline - ‘Questions you MUST ask your Wedding Photographer’. Be warned that I take offense if clients ask me questions. You don’t book the Greatest Living Wedding Photographer - Derek Pye™ and then expect him to speak to you. The thing about these articles is that they are written by 21 year old journalists who aren’t married and have no intention of getting married. They are too busy getting shitfaced for that.

Thanks to these publications any meeting with a potential client is more like 48 hours with the Stasi. Here are a few of the most common questions and the correct answers.

Q. Do you visit the venue before the wedding?

A. Of course. All photographers are happy to spend hours at your venue before the wedding. I recommend at least 6 meetings prior to the wedding. Two should take place at your home. You should make sure that as many family members as possible are around for these visits as the photographer will need to take test photos and start to build up a rapport with the guests.

There should then be two visits to the Church and the reception venue. The first visit is a good chance for the photographer to work out the best angles and is an excellent chance for the bride to explain exactly what will be happening on the day. You should show the photographer where you will be standing during the ceremony etc and you can point out spots where you think the photographer could get good shots from, like standing at the back of the Church while you walk down the aisle. At the venue the photographer can advise on lighting and decor and work out the optimum spot for shooting the 30 or 40 massive group shots that you require even though you’ve booked the Reportedge™ service. It would be impossible for a photographer to work these kind of things out on the day as all weddings are completely unique and different. The second visit should be a complete run through of the wedding exactly a year before the real date. If you can’t get all the guests to attend the run through then actors should be hired.

The other two meetings should take place at the photographers unobtrusive Manor. My unobtrusive Manor is just off the A2 near Chatham. If your photographer doesn’t have an unobtrusive Manor then think twice about booking. These final two meetings are a good chance for you to really get to know the photographer and discuss the spiritual and emotional aspects of your wedding. Point out that your wedding will probably be entirely unlike any wedding the photographer has ever attended before as you are not very traditional. Make sure you brief the photographer about any unusual moments you want him to capture, like cutting the cake or confetti throwing, as he is unlikely to be expecting this kind of thing.

As a final thought make sure you send the photographer an excel spreadsheet of all the timings etc as he will need to refer to this throughout the day.

Q. What equipment do you use?

A. Photographers use a specialist image capturing device known as a ‘Large Hadron Collider’. I use a highly advanced version of this device that has a lens and flash built in.

Q. What happens if you are ill on the day?

A. This is very unlikely to happen as I pace myself. I’m quite often sick when I get home from a wedding but this is more likely to be caused by the food. If I’m sick during the wedding then my assistant, Muktar, will clean it up.

Remember that your photographer will most likely be lying when answering your questions. You should deny him sleep and food for 48 hours and ask the same questions repeatedly. If the answers are exactly the same each time then he is most probably telling porky pies and is just telling you what you want to hear. Try Waterboarding when asking this final question.

Q. Will you be the photographer on the day or will you be sending one of your Polish assistants instead?



Client Meeting

Comments (4)

  • JOJo


    06 February 2013 at 16:15 | #

    ho hum smell my bum (hole)


  • David Bailey

    David Bailey

    06 February 2013 at 16:16 | #

    What's wrong with Polished assistants - I like mine to be clean !!


  • Jamie


    06 February 2013 at 16:16 | #

    It's funny because it's true :-(


  • Some people (Cameron ) need a high five in the face with a chair	 ,

    Some people (Cameron ) need a high five in the face with a chair ,

    06 February 2013 at 16:17 | #

    My Big Fat Gypsum Wedding

    Venue - Le Plaster du Paris

    Calcium Sulfate Dihydrate, do you take this man etc etc..


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