The Rules of Photography: Less is more and it’s also less work

Photography is about rules, rules and more rules. You can't be a top professional husband and wife wedding photography team unless you know the rules. Breaking them will break you and lead to a life of misery and pain. Here are a few of the basics.

The Rule of Thirds - You may have heard of this one and the accompanying myth that it's got something to do with composition. No no no! That's what we want you to think. The rule of thirds is the rule that any fees or associated costs go up by a third when anybody mentions the word wedding. Never break this rule or I will come round to your house and kick your head in.

The Ten Second Rule - Obey this and you'll save thousands of hours in post production. It's a trick dating back to the days of film. When you are out shooting a wedding it's tempting to snap away. After all you’re shooting digital so it's not costing you anything. Wrong! The more you shoot the more hours you have to waste sat at a computer looking at the bloody things. Here's the trick. Every time you are about to take a photo, count to ten. Think. Is this really any good?. Is this a great photo? 99.99999 times out of a hundred it won't be so don't take it. You've probably missed the moment now anyway. I used this rule at a wedding recently and returned home only having shot 9 photos, and two of those were when the camera went off accidentally as I was lighting a fag. This saved hours in post-production. Less is more and it’s also less work. The Ten Second Rule also allows time for the bridesmaids to tuck their tits in.

Golden Hour - Nothing to do with the light. Golden Hour is the time between the start of the wedding breakfast and the beginning of the first speech. During Golden Hour you will find your wedding photographer in the bar drinking your free booze. Photographers call this time  Golden hour as there is nothing more beautiful that being paid to drink free booze. Not to be confused with a golden shower, which is something to do with the mother of the bride.

Know your Hymns Know your Onions

Hymn Discipline™ is one of the most overlooked aspects of wedding photography, and one where most keen hobbyists fall down flat on their tiny faces time after time after time. To avoid cock-ups and mishaps during the overlong tedious Church ceremony you must know your hymns like the back of your hand. Let's take one of my all time favourites, Jerusalem by William Blake.

So there you are at the back of the Church - you should always be at the back of the Church. The music starts up - Ah! Jerusalem! 2 minutes 55 seconds of pure joy.

We're off. Outside. Light a fag. Speed smoke. Cough, Spit. Vodka. Stick your head round the door.

"... And was the holy lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen"

Back out. Hip flask. Vodka. Roast Chicken crisps. Can of diet Red Bull. Light a fag. Smoke half of it. Back in.

"...Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark Satanic mills"

Born to Schindler™ - Britain’s Got Taste!

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Introducing the first Born to Schindler™ all comers Schindlering™ Competition.

Enter your Schindlers™ now to be in with a chance of being crowned ‘The King of the Schindlerers™’
All my Schindlering™ is now done  in a massive Schindlering™ factory in Mumbai but you probably still practice this dark art yourself. Upload your Schindler™ to win big!

You can submit as many Schindlers™ as you like and you might win! This prize is THE most coveted in THE wedding photography industry as it is voted for by your fellow Schindlerers™.
Competition ends on 31/7/2010 and then starts again. Open to professional, amateur and hobbyist Schindlerers™ .

WARNING: Nipple Schindlering™ is considered tacky by professional Schindlerers™.

There is a beginner's guide to Schindlering™ here.

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