Derek Pye's Terms and Conditions

Time is all in the mind and as such doesn't really exist. At least this is what I told the Judge at a recent court appearance. The bride and groom were attempting to sue me for being late. My defence rested on the notion that being late was in fact the same as being early. If you arrive early there will be no one around and the church will be closed. If you arrive late the doors will be closed and everyone will be inside. The effect is the same, how can you tell which is which?

The only way you really know is when your clients emerge from their dreary ceremony and find you asleep on the grass and your assistant dancing to his iPod on a gravestone. Fortunately the Judge found in my favour when I drew his attention to my Terms and Conditions.

The Lion the Dolphin and the Mujaharoun

I've had a terrible Christmas. I traveled to Eilat in Israel to photograph the wedding of Sharon Tendler and Cindy, a 35-year-old dolphin. I've photographed many such weddings over the years and dolphins really are a joy to photograph. Terrible speeches though and the food was grim. I hate sushi. On the way back a previously unknown terrorist group, The Almighty Bricklayers of Mujaharoun, kidnapped me. They were lovely fellas and we got on like an oil fire. I was eventually released when we ran out of booze and I promised their leader I'd return and photograph his daughters wedding. He went for the MIstike™package.

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