0. six bottles of wine.
0. 1834: Henry Fox Talbot creates permanent (negative) images using paper soaked in Gin and fixed with a Tonic solution, and accidentally creates photography, which like football will always be English
0. 1837: Louis Daguerre creates images on silver-plated copper, coated with silver iodide and "developed" with warmed mercury; Daguerre is awarded a state pension by the French government in exchange for publication of methods and the rights by other French citizens to use the Daguerreotype process. Unfortunatley all Daguerrotypes are rubbish. Photography outlawed in France until the outbreak of the first world war and Daguerre is forced to work as a rent boy.
0. 1841: Photography is still English
0. 1861-65: Mathew Brady and staff (mostly staff) covers the American Civil War, exposing 7000 negatives. Only six come out nicely exposed.
0. 1866: Mattew Brady invents the light meter.
0. 1877: Edweard Muybridge, born in England as Edwina Muggridge, settles "do a horse's four hooves ever leave the ground at once" bet among gay San Franciscans by fixing a camera to each of the hooves.
0. 1888: first Kodak camera, containing a 20000-foot roll of paper, enough for 10000 2.5-inch diameter triangular pictures. The camera is too big to carry and hundreds of photographers are killed.
0. 1900: Kodak Brownie box roll-film camera introduced. Setting photography back 250 years
0. 1902: Alfred Stieglitz organizes "Photo Secessionist" show in New York City. It’s rubbish and the photographers are rounded up and shot.
0. 1921: Man Ray begins making photograms ("raymondographs") by placing bits or rubbish on photographic paper and exposing the shadow cast by a distant light bulb.
0. 1922: Man Ray’s friends buy him a camera. Phew.
camera manufactures try to out do each other. A truce is declared when Kodak bring out a camera the size of a football pitch.
0. 1925: Only elderly English gentlemen are allowed to be photographers.
0. 1931: development of strobe photography by Harold ("Doc") Edgerton at MIT - has an epileptic fit, sues himself and is made bankrupt
0. 1932: Ansel Adams, Imogen Cunningham, Willard Van Dyke, Edward Weston, meet in prison and form Group f/64 dedicated to "straight photographic thought and production"- unfortunatley shooting at f64 makes most of their work too dark. Henri Cartier-Bresson buys a Leica and begins a 60-year career photographing people;
He never quite gets it right and turns to painting and decorating. On March 14, George Eastman, aged 77, writes suicide note--"My work is done. Why wait?"--and shoots himself.
0. World War II: Its war - lets rock. A great time for war photographers who cash in like true pros.
0. development of multi-layer color negative films - who cares - its all digital now.
0. Margaret Bourke-White, Robert Capa, Carl Mydans, and W. Eugene Smith cover the war for LIFE magazine. "If a picture's not good enough, you were too close " Robert Capa
0. 1947: Henri Cartier-Bresson, Robert Capa, and David Seymour start the photographer-owned Magnum picture agency but
lose a lot of credibility by licencing the name for all kinds of products - from Booze and Guns to Ice Creams and TV Detectives. Nice one.
0. 1948: Hasselblad in Sweden offers its first semi automatic medium-format SLR for commercial sale, each one takes 12 years to make and costs $9 million.
0. 1956 Derek Pye born in Penge.
0. 1960: Wedding photography invented when Derek Pye takes his first photograph at his Uncle's wedding.
0. 1961: Breakdown of Derek's family life when it turns out his Uncle is really his Dad. Derek is orphaned after triple shooting incident.
0. 1968: Derek Pye publishes his controversial book " The World Is My Bitch*"a collection of street photos of petty criminals
in Penge. Reportedge™ is born. Derek suffers a setback when all his equipment is stolen.
0. 1972: 110-format cameras introduced by Kodak with a 13x17mm frame. Quickly adopted by Derek Pye for wedding photography. The superb quality and ease of use transforms the wedding business and Derek's techniques are copied all over the world.
0. 1973: Not much happens as Derek Pye gives up photography to become an apprentice heating engineer.
0. 1975: A series of huge explosions rock Penge.
0. 1977: Derek Pye returns to the world of wedding photography when he discovers a unicorn living in his back garden.
0. 1980: Derek Pye's arch rival - Lord Lichfield stuns the world of photography by inventing "School portraiture"
0. 1981: A bitter feud between Derek Pye and Lichfield culminates in Pye refusing to photograph Charles and Diana's wedding. The Queen is devastated. Her Majesty is a big fan of Derek's after he photographed her astride his unicorn - an image still used on stamps in the UK.
0. 1982: Derek Pye becomes the only photographer to be given the title M.O.U(Master of Unicorns) by the SWPP
0. 1983: In a new twist Derek marries his first wife, Svetlana. He gives her a camera and invents "Husband and Wife Wedding Photography" A marketing technique still in use today.
0. 1991: Derek is the first photographer to use digital cameras. The photography world is stunned as the cameras are rubbish.
To promote his new digital techniques Derek and Svetlana stay in bed for 2 years. The "Give Pixels a Chance" campaign convinces the photography world to take digital seriously.
0. 1992: Derek still in bed.
0. 1995: Derek marries his second wife in a simple ceremony just outside Moscow.
0. 1996: Derek marries for the third and final time and enters Russia's witness protection programme.
0. 2003: Back from Russia, Derek begins photographing weddings again offering 4 great styles from Reportedge™to Mystike™ and everything in between. Prices from £295 + VAT including a special album
0. 2006:Derek Pye becomes the first photgrapher to receive an ASBO banning him from all places of worship in England and Wales
0. The 'Cathedral Dome' flash diffuser invented by Derek Pye