Derek Pye

There is no such thing as a professional wedding videographer

on Sunday, 11 December 2005. Posted in Derek's Tips

One thing I've learnt in my many years at the top of the wedding game is that the best way to ruin a wedding, the sure fire method to guarantee that you will remember your big day as a tedious event, is to book a videographer. There is no such thing as a professional wedding videographer. They are the most boring, worst dressed, uncreative, shifty, smelly, untalented, self-important misanthropes you could ever have the misfortune to meet. And you've paid for them to come to your wedding! A wedding videographer will be so unsure about what he's doing that he will arrive 6 hours before the event and immediately set up three tripods...
... in what he thinks are the best spots to capture the ceremony from. He'll then spend an hour shooting ridiculous wide-angle shots of the church with an enormous VHS camera that he bought on e-bay from a Russian who used to work for the KGB. This equipment will have last been used to record confessions in a gulag. You will finally understand what a colour cast is when you see the footage this baby produces. Don't worry about the low light levels in the Church, as he'll then spend the next few hours laying cables down the aisle to power his enormous atmosphere killing video lights, which incidentally were used in the same torture sessions as the camera.

Fortunately most people realise that the photographer is the talent at a wedding and it's easy to get the video monkey moved from the best spot. Derek's Tip: If you're the photographer and you stroll up to the front and find a big clumsy tripod in the way, with a camera left running, it's a fun idea to nudge it slightly so it's filming the Vicars backside. This will in no way detract from the miserable, cliched, under edited waste of TV viewing time that you will receive about 6 months after your wedding. It will have taken so long because during the week he'll be doing his real job as a prison guard and won't have had time to finish it. When it does finally arrive you'll be amazed how even after ruthless editing he has managed to make the wedding appear 3 times as long as it really was. You'll laugh and marvel at the genius idea of interviewing the guests but wonder why he failed to get anything interesting out of them.

The worst is yet to come when you get your wedding photos back and realise that for some reason the videographer, with an uncanny knack for always being in the wrong place at the wrong time, is in ALL your pictures. Lurking around in the background of every key moment, creeping out the bridesmaids. At least you'll remember what a waste of money he was for the rest of your life.

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Comments (18)

  • Anon

    Anon

    06 February 2013 at 18:30 |
    Howled with laughter when I read this. Certainly if any videographer produced work to your abysmal standards, Derek, he would rightly be chastised and indeed ostracised.

    In fact, he would deserve horsewhipping!

    A case of "Do as I say, don't do as I do"?

    reply

  • Scott

    Scott

    06 February 2013 at 18:30 |
    Derek,

    You are a moron and probably some old hack being pushed out of the business. VHS camera? Are you kidding me? Actually, its more likely that a brides event will be ruined by some shmo who just bought the latest greatest slr type digital camera and started selling their services as a photographer. Funny, I've seen the pics from 2 of the very good photographers that I've worked with recently and I'm curiously not in any of their pics. Maybe it's you who needs to work on your technique. Truth is, there are people who suck in every profession. I can tell where you must fit in.

    Scott

    reply

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 18:31 |
    "There is no such thing as a professional wedding videographer. They are the most boring, worst dressed, uncreative, shifty, smelly, untalented, self-important misanthropes you could ever have the misfortune to meet."

    Methinks someone has a chip on his shoulder here! What about the professionals I know who are UK broadcast-trained and whose work is absolutely superb - and who dress respectably as well?

    What the piece above doesn't mention is the number of smug, patronising stills men who continue to live in an age before video existed. Remember one thing: the customer is the person who chose to commission video as well as stills, and what the customer wants - the customer gets!

    So - wake up.

    reply

  • Anon

    Anon

    06 February 2013 at 18:31 |
    Some people just don't get this site do they? Dereks genius and ability to tell the hurtful truth obviously distresses them.

    reply

  • Space Cadet

    Space Cadet

    06 February 2013 at 18:31 |
    Thank you Derek - in addition to serving all those brides you have pleasured me immensely. What was frightening is that I have seen so many bad sites recently it did actually take an embarrassingly long few moments for the penny to drop. I feel like a Space Cadet.

    Well done.

    reply

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 18:32 |
    Looks like Derek has your number. I think there's little that compares with the
    satisfaction of pissing off the humorless and untalented with a good tweak.

    reply

  • v***otosser

    v***otosser

    06 February 2013 at 18:32 |
    Oh yes, the videotosser, nothing quite like it to annoy everyone at the wedding (especially the poor photographer). they go around poking their massive camera (who says size is not important?) in everyone's face. They always go up to the photographer and say they won't get in the way, just before standing right in front of you as the bride arrives.

    Later they insist on putting a 500w light on top of there camera and running around the reception chasing the bridemaids.

    I had one once who pushed this big trolley tripod around during the ceremony with wires everywhere and a massive boom microphone. Not exactly discreet.

    reply

  • Don't Book!!

    Don't Book!!

    06 February 2013 at 18:32 |
    hey! brides! wait! don't book this guy, he nicks photos for his portfolio from
    @@@@ oh and have you seen HIS waistline - seriously huge, he can't even make
    it through the vestry door at St $$@%%'s !!

    reply

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    06 February 2013 at 18:33 |
    I just pissed myselfe at this, I had a videographer with his sony hdv cam, stick his tripod right next to the register table at a wedding 2 hours before the service, twice we moved it back, twice he put it closer each time, when the service started his battery eliminator would not not now reach the plug, so he chanced it on a battery, right at the exchange of rings, beep, beep, beep, battery ran out !
    What a clown

    reply

  • Quiksnap

    Quiksnap

    06 February 2013 at 18:33 |
    That advice re positioning is the most comprehensive reply anyone has
    posted on this site so far. Derek is usually quick with a handy tip, but he hasn't
    responded at all yet to my request for info on the use of an inflatable church. I
    wonder if you might have some advice? (See the Coffee Table Wedding Album
    Table T thread, 8th Feb.) Many thanks

    Quicksnap

    reply

  • Ted Rumble

    Ted Rumble

    06 February 2013 at 18:33 |
    Speaking as a top-rate videographer, I put it to you Derek, that you are the fly in the ointment. Whilst I do possess an immense girth - and I'm , quite fat too and I sometimes smell of onions; I bring a touch of class to the nuptials unlike the the typical 'stills man'.
    More than once a perfectly composed shot has been ruined by a 'flighty' photographer flouncing through my shot saying something like "ooh the light, the light..." (in a Kenneth Williams voice). Some forget that the bride and groom should be the real star of the production; at a recent wedding the photographer resorted to taking most of the register signing shots with his trousers around his ankles whilst muttering something about 'jelly on a plate'.
    So Derek before you critise videographers get your own house in order. Most stills men are on the sex offenders register and the rest are on the waiting list.
    yours
    Ted Rumble

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 18:34 |
      Thanks for your input

      reply

  • JOJo

    JOJo

    06 February 2013 at 18:34 |
    Smeel my cuunt

    reply

    • Bing Crosby

      Bing Crosby

      06 February 2013 at 18:34 |
      JoJo,
      you may indeed earn vast amounts of cash turning out for Man City, but you are proof that money doesn't equal manners.

      reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 18:35 |
      Thanks for your input JoJo and your kind offer but I'm up to by neck in smelly cuunts at this time of year. Thanks for considering Derek Pye for your boudoir shots.

      All the best

      Derek

      reply

  • Andy J

    Andy J

    06 February 2013 at 18:35 |
    Love the complete humour bypass that some seem to have!

    reply

  • Bing Crosby

    Bing Crosby

    06 February 2013 at 18:36 |
    I have no idea what you mean Andy, but I am definitely up for it, count me in.

    reply

  • jesuswept

    jesuswept

    06 February 2013 at 18:36 |
    it's all very true! and who can argue?

    reply

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