CreditCrikey - We're closing in
CreditCrikey - at last. I’ve been predicting it of course. Ever since that night in the boozer two years ago when I invented credit card snap. The rules were quite simple. Draw a card out of your wallet and place it on the table. Your opponent draws a card and places it on top. When you get two Kwik Fit Auto Charge cards or maybe two MandS Simply Food Gold cards, shout ‘snap’ and you win. The loser buys the booze. I packed it in as I always seemed to lose, probably because my hand to eye co-ordination is rated ‘spastic’ by medical professionals. It did however occur to me that if some of the idiots down my local can get a credit card then there is something amiss. And lo, it came to pass...
Anyway you may be getting stressed about losing your house but don’t worry, it probably smells of old booze by now anyway. Why don’t you become a wedding photographer! There is a real shortage of wedding photographers here in the UK, many brides have to go without on the big day. This is where you come in! Remember that ProSumo DSLR you got from Dixons for £349. It’s worth £29 now, but don’t despair, that is all you really need to get started on the road to becoming a top part-time pro-photographer.
Think about it. You hate your job anyway and you’ve always dreamed of being a professional photographer. People often say how nice that photo you took of your girlfriend is, the one with her baps out. I’ve got it on my phone. Wedding photography is exempt from tax and you can still sign on, so what are you waiting for! Don’t be put off by being rubbish, it doesn’t put anybody else off. Leave the face transplants and Reportedge™ to me for now, I’m unique, so just concentrate on the basics, composition is a good place to start and once mastered will set you apart from the rest. Don’t waste your life hanging about on those tedious photography forums full of hobbyists posting shots of trees. I’ll let you into a secret - professional photographers never take pictures of trees. It's kind of an unwritten code of honour. No tree photos. It's how we spot each other. Like a masonic secret handshake.
Of course I’m actually not affected by the recession as I’m in great demand anyway and the the supply is limited to me. The trick is to ramp up the Mystike™ when times are hard. Where, before you might have offered one unicorn per picture, just double or even triple the unicorn count. It's all about escapism you see. Add more dwarves and sparkle dust and you can’t go far wrong. Obviously, Reportedge™ takes a hit, as clients don’t want gritty realism at times like this, but lets face it you can’t really shoot Reportedge™ anyway. Face transplants are also down on last year but I’m expecting less orange faced bridesmaids with thinner arms this year so that should shave off a few months in post-production.
Now for the bride and groom the obvious thing to cut back on is videography. No one will ever watch it anyway. Got that? Good.
All the best
You can now follow my every move as I report from the wedding frontline on my Twitter feed. Follow Derek Pye on Twitter