Derek Pye

Bride Management™

on Monday, 11 May 2009. Posted in Derek's Tips

Of course one has to feel sorry for the young man who aspires to be a top wedding photographer at the top of the husband and wife wedding photography game. How can a callow youth possibly understand the fairer sex, when his experience of the ladies probably goes no further than a couple of trips to a STD clinic.  

As far as women are concerned there are not many known knowns and a a baffling array of unknown unknowns to contend with. As wedding photography involves spending the best part of Saturday dealing these unknown unknowns the photographer needs consummate bride management skills to make it through the day. I've been married 4 times and so there is not much you can tell me about bride management. As long as you start with the premise that all women are mentally ill and need medication then you won't go far wrong. You should approach a wedding on the basis that all the women at the do have forgotten their pills. Be on your toes at all times or you will get hurt. Your only defence is to repeat the words, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and dress in a variety of combination's until you’re sick into your camera bag.

I have a list as long as my arm as to why women are nutters but here is just one example.

You go down the Off Licence to buy a bottle of Vodka, some Red Bull and, why not eh, some fancy crisps. Maybe some of those tasty spicy Thai ones...(back in a minute - Derek)

Ah, OK, so where was I. Yes there you are in the Offy, in the queue behind some old dear. She gets to the counter and puts her bottle of Pino Grigio and her bag of pictachios down. Fair play. No problem. The assistant rings up her purchases and tells her the amount due. Then, and only then, as if taken by surprise by this request for payment, the old tart starts ruffling around in her handbag and then shaking as if mortally offended by the sheer gall of the shop assistant to dare ask such a thing,  she fiddles about until at long last she locates her mysterious purse. Eventually, after what seems like an hour, she manages to open it and finally, finally pays  before shuffling off to get pissed and watch an ITV1 drama.  AAAaaaaaaaaaagh! YOU are in a shop buying goods, woman! Have your purse at the ready as you approach the counter! Didn't you realise they were going to ask you for money and your money is in your purse. Jesus.

The 'Not Getting Your Purse Out Until The Last Minute'  annoyance is obviously a Freudian thing, but I'm not going to go into the whole purse vagina, vagina purse thing here. I've got crisps to eat.

Bride Management Tip: make sure you take a dump before starting the bridal preparation shots.

 

boudoir wedding photo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments (23)

  • Helen

    Helen

    06 February 2013 at 14:28 |
    I hope you are never at a wedding that I am at - you sound obnoxious

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:28 |
      Actually, Helen, people say I sound a bit like Dudley Moore.

      All the best

      Derek

      reply

      • Helen

        Helen

        06 February 2013 at 14:29 |
        I find the picture offensive actually. I don't know if any bride would like to know her photographer was a mysiginist! Do you really expect anybody to book you for their most precious day.

        reply

  • Sinbad

    Sinbad

    06 February 2013 at 14:29 |
    I would like to draw your attention to the picture of my wife above, I realise that "you done her a favour or two" which i'm still a bit pissed about, but thats a different story. But we cant remove her tail and its causing a bit of a problem. I did see a tube of super glue in your kit, did you use that?

    Sinbad

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:30 |
      Dear Sinbad

      It is a common problem which we are working to fix.

      All the best

      Derek

      reply

  • Suzanne

    Suzanne

    06 February 2013 at 14:29 |
    Derek, I have been a long time fan of yours, and my mother wants to know if you can make her look as sexy as your model in the 'boudoir' shoot above?

    Of course, male photographers get a bit of a bad press when it comes to photographing scantily dressed woman, and at 70 she wants to know if this applies to you? If so, when can she book?

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:30 |
      Dear Suzanne

      Yes of course. As you can see I use only the latest image editing, airbrushing and make over techniques to achieve the desired effect.

      Email me her address and I'll send Muktar over to warm her up a bit.

      All the best


      Derek

      reply

  • Jonathan

    Jonathan

    06 February 2013 at 14:30 |
    Hey dude - just had look at your galery and you ain't no shooter

    reply

  • William

    William

    06 February 2013 at 14:31 |
    no shit sherlock... you guys just got troll'd

    reply

  • Art critique

    Art critique

    06 February 2013 at 14:31 |
    Mr Pye,

    I can see that you are clearly trying to inject an element of humour into your business and you website too, but in all honesty i think you are very wrong in your approach.
    Your views show a complete lack of respect for your clients, and given that they are your source of income i think you would be well advised to reconsider how you refer to them.
    Frankly i dont rate your ability as a photographer in the slightest, but then such is the subjectivity of art.
    God only knows what a client would think if they were to come across your site and identify themselves within your rude dialogue.

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:31 |
      Dear Art critique

      I don't rate your ability as an art critic or maybe I just don't get it.

      All the best

      Derek

      reply

  • Muktar

    Muktar

    06 February 2013 at 14:32 |
    derek, i think we have some competishun

    http://www.fujifilmpro.com/

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:32 |
      That is healthy competition. When you see someone who has reached the peak like that its is inspirational for me. There are always people snapping at my heels. It just makes me push on to be better.

      reply

  • Kiwi Wanna-Bee

    Kiwi Wanna-Bee

    06 February 2013 at 14:33 |
    Dear Mr Pye,
    I constanly refer to your site in search of inspiration...
    This I think could open up a whole new market in NZ.
    I LOVE YOU, can you give an aspiring photgrapher any tips?
    Cheers,
    Kiwi.

    reply

    • Derek

      Derek

      06 February 2013 at 14:33 |
      Yes - stay in NZ

      All the best

      Derek

      reply

  • Christine

    Christine

    06 February 2013 at 15:11 |
    Why anyone would book you to photograph there big day is a mystery to me. I think you suck and are not even amateur in reality.

    reply

  • Mary in Detroit

    Mary in Detroit

    06 February 2013 at 15:11 |
    I agree christine - this guy will not be photoghraphing my big day!

    reply

  • Edward Stycan

    Edward Stycan

    06 February 2013 at 15:19 |
    For crying out loud, to all those with a sense of humour bypass out there, I speak particularly of our trans atlantic peeps... I can think of no one better to cover my big day..... Do you use Kodiakrome ?

    reply

  • Nancy Reagan

    Nancy Reagan

    06 February 2013 at 15:19 |
    I try to avoid crying out loud because everybody laughs at you and calls you a big Nancy. Luckily it's water off a duck's back as far as I'm concerned

    reply

  • Shanize

    Shanize

    06 February 2013 at 15:20 |
    Derek, yor brill, how do I book you? And do I have to pay extra for Schindlers? What about random schindlers, we'd like lots of them. And shots by Amtrak? (Oh maybe I got his name wrong, but he's cute, I want you to bring him along). Me n Himself's been looking for somebody with real talent like wot you got for years...now we've found you, our lives compleet. Thank you Derek, youv opened my eyes to what real wedding photography can be!

    reply

  • Jesus

    Jesus

    06 February 2013 at 15:20 |
    What is Off Licence dude

    reply

  • lucy lovett

    lucy lovett

    14 May 2014 at 14:00 |
    The prose would be amusing if it was original but the paragraph about the lady being surprised at the till and not having her purse at the ready was plagiarised from Bill Bryson.

    reply

  • Derek Pye

    Derek Pye

    24 September 2014 at 11:51 |
    It would only be plagiarised if I had read the original and I haven't and so all it proves is that we are both excellent observers of human behaviour and so I thank you for your compliment.

    reply

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