Not fair is it. All your recently engaged friends are currently out in the local park being photographed giving each other piggy backs or playing with butt plugs or whatever because they are getting married and you’re not. Well hurrah for them! These days if you are getting wed it is essential that you twist your photographer’s arm until it snaps so they reluctantly agree to a tedious and embarrassing ‘E-shoot’.

What about you? You’re desperate to spend money on a cool photoshoot with some idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. All this stuff seems reserved for those in happy stable relationships: Engagement shoots, wedding shoots, post-honeymoon shoots, baby shoots, first birthday party... it goes on and on. You are left out. No one cares or thinks about you and your needs. The story of your sad pathetic life I know.

But wait! Hold your horses! Here are Derek Pye Weddings and Glamour we realise there is a need for people other than the pompous, self-righteous newly engaged to spend some serious cash on top-notch photography products. Which is why we are announcing the immediate availability of a totally new kind of shoot - The Pre-Engagement Engagement Shoot™.

These 'Pre E E Shoots' include all the familiar features of a typical engagement shoot, including jeffing about in the park with a bloke and 3 speedlites, but without the need to be engaged! The best thing is, it’s too late for all your smug married and engaged friends to have one. They are for you and your fellow lonely losers.

Here at Derek Pye Wedding Photography we realise just how hard it is for the modern bride to select a photographer for such a massively big day as YOUR biggest day, a day afflicted with gigantism. It is so, so important to choose the RIGHT wedding photographer because AFTER your wedding the photographs are the ONLY thing that remains and without them you will have NO memories! - just like Robocop or that bloke in Memento and look how unhappy and sad they are!

The choice is very, very difficult, some say impossible  - do you book your Special Uncle Terry, who has a very nice camera or your fiance's friend Fat Len, who has a very nice camera. It is a dilemma facing EVERY bride in the World TODAY! Right NOW!

To make sure YOU don't get caught out we've devised this special professional photographer test to make sure the candidates are up to the job. Just get them to take THE PYE TEST™ and if they pass they will get a beautiful certificate which pretty much guarantees the highest standards of photo perfection available in civilised society.

Rest easy in the knowledge that YOUR biggest ever memories will be safely recorded.

 Click here to Take the Pye Test Now!

I had a terrible nightmare last night. Terrible, terrible nightmare. It was just a normal day really and I’d gone to bed after a bit of a session down the Pawleyne. I guess my mistake was eating cheese on toast when I got in. After 10 pints, 4 double vodkas and red bull, a bottle of wine, 4 or 5 lines of charlie, some Mandy, a few of those pills from that nice man with the suitcase and some magic mushrooms I tend to feel a bit peckish and cheese on toast always hits the spot.

I am woken by the phone ringing. It was my assistant and right hand man, Muktar, “Mr Pye, Mr Pye, I’m outside. We need to leave for the wedding!” Shit it! I had no idea I had a wedding to shoot this morning but it does account for all those missed calls and messages from the bride last night. I’d better get going. That last bit wasn’t really part of the nightmare and is in fact a pretty realistic depiction of a normal Saturday morning round at my Unobtrusive Manor. This is when it gets freaky. I try to pull back my black satin sheets and realise that both my hands are broken. Shit it! I struggle out and make my way down stairs. I’d put my shirt in the machine to wash the previous night but not only had I forgotten to take it out there was now just a huge bloodshot eye staring out from the little port hole window. Nightmare! Two broken hands and a Kraken in my Miele!