Fat Arms, Sweat Patches and the Disabled.
The wedding season has really kicked in now. I had three at the weekend, the wife did one and fortunately I had e-mail from an asylum seeker on Friday asking me to help him get work. I threw him straight in at the deep end, leaving me to relax at the flash one in Catford. I had an excellent time - lovely bit of booze on offer, but I messed up by not grabbing a glass as soon as I arrived at the reception. This is really important as once all the guests arrive, the waiters switch to topping up mode and it can be a real pain trying to get a glass. When the meal started I was overjoyed to be seated with...
some of the bride's close family from Germany. My German is rubbish, and I told them the only phrase I knew was 'Achtung Minen' but it was OK as most of them spoke passable English.
Never let it be said that the krauts don't have a sense of humour! We had a right laugh and most of my jokes went down a treat. They left early and even my gag about them going to put their towels down round the hotel pool got a big laugh. They really were great - not like the Nazis at all.
The bride and groom had opted for my 'Traditional' package so I didn't have that many photos to shoot. The biggest problem I had was that the bride, like most women, had really fat arms and sweated a lot. Now these days you needn't worry about this as you can use Photoshop Elements to reduce the 'double wave' and sweat patches.
One thing I have noticed over the years is that even the best clients will have an elderly relative in a wheelchair. This isn't a problem if you're shooting Reportedge™ as you can get some dramatic action shots using the chair. It´s a different matter with Traditional wedding photography as no one wants an ugly wheelchair in the shots and it messes up the composition, having someone sat down when everyone else is stood up. One solution is to carry a spare wheelchair in the boot and coerce a willing guest to sit in it on the opposite side, to balance things out. Alternatively if the cripple can stand a bit then get them out of the chair and prop them against a nearby wall. You can then set the group up around them.
Under no circumstances should you Photoshop the spastic out of the chair and onto made up legs. You will get complaints if you do this. Trust me!
Never let it be said that the krauts don't have a sense of humour! We had a right laugh and most of my jokes went down a treat. They left early and even my gag about them going to put their towels down round the hotel pool got a big laugh. They really were great - not like the Nazis at all.
The bride and groom had opted for my 'Traditional' package so I didn't have that many photos to shoot. The biggest problem I had was that the bride, like most women, had really fat arms and sweated a lot. Now these days you needn't worry about this as you can use Photoshop Elements to reduce the 'double wave' and sweat patches.
One thing I have noticed over the years is that even the best clients will have an elderly relative in a wheelchair. This isn't a problem if you're shooting Reportedge™ as you can get some dramatic action shots using the chair. It´s a different matter with Traditional wedding photography as no one wants an ugly wheelchair in the shots and it messes up the composition, having someone sat down when everyone else is stood up. One solution is to carry a spare wheelchair in the boot and coerce a willing guest to sit in it on the opposite side, to balance things out. Alternatively if the cripple can stand a bit then get them out of the chair and prop them against a nearby wall. You can then set the group up around them.
Under no circumstances should you Photoshop the spastic out of the chair and onto made up legs. You will get complaints if you do this. Trust me!
Jason
LMAO
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Disgusted
All I can say is I'm grateful that I live in a completely different country. You strike me as a very arrogant, unprofessional, and disgusting man, and you would be the last person I would ever use as a wedding photographer. To some people, wheelchairs are a necessary piece of equipment. A cousin got married last year, and my elderly grandmother (who has since passed away) was lucky enough to be allowed out of hospital for the day as she had just been diagnosed with a hole in her heart, and had become very weak.
But I have been "googling" weddings and wheelchairs as my partner (the eventual groom at our wedding) is in a wheelchair. Without his wheelchair, he would not be able to go anywhere. It is not something we hide in any of our photos. It is an extension of him.
I feel very sorry for you. You seem to have very few ethics (I gleam that from your comments about the bride's fat arms and sweat patches) - perhaps you should have sent her the link to these comments.
"One of the problems of being the UK's most highly sought after husband and wife wedding photography team is the amount of weddings I have to go to."
Misleading representation of yourself. If everyone in the UK saw your site, trust me, that would soon change! Grow some decency. Quick.
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Derek
Distance isn't a problem. Do you want Reportedge or Mystike?
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Fred
You're fucking hilarious mate, keep it up.
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Mr A Tit
do you have an agent for the The Derek Pye Cathedral Dome Flash Diffuser!
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disgusted2
What an ass! Ever considered that you could be in a wheelchair someday, too? Obviously not, coz if you could think that far, you wouldnt be the sorry piece of filth you are, would you?
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Harold Shipman
I'm confused Disgusted2, you seem to be implying that if you can think far ahead then you are unlikely to be a sorry piece of filth. Well I'm quite forward thinking and I turned out to be a mass murderer.
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Rose West
Dear Disgusted2
I am shocked that you seem to be implying that being in a wheelchair is a bad thing. This is the kind of patronising attitude that many of my disabled friends resent. Have you ever considered that being sat down in a chair that can move is actually something rather lovely. You make me sick!
Please write soon
Rose
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disgusted2
Dear rose, i am NOT at all implying that being in a wheelchair is a bad thing! What a thing to say!! I was only trying to make the author of that article realise that the person was not in a wheelchair just to spoil the picture that was being taken, he actually NEEDED it to get around. What i meant was that, if the author came to depend on a wheelchair to get around one day, he'd stop seeing it as an ugly thing that messes up photographs and start seeing it as a tool for mobility.
I really did not mean to offend those who use wheelchairs; please do not try to read in my message more than i tried to convey in it. I have great respect for everyone, wheelchair user or not, provided that they deserve it. The person who complained about having to take a picture with someone in a wheelchair in it does not deserve it.
Love,
Anikka.
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disgusted2
Mr Harold Shipman,
What i meant by "if you could think that far ahead" was "if you could think that one day you might have to use a wheelchair too, then you would not have seen it as an ugly thing that people use just to spoil your pictures", as i explained to rose.
I did NOT mean that those who can think far ahead are not filth.
Again, please, do not twist the meaning of whatever i have written. I am not a patronising know-it-all, i was just incensed at someone who had written what i consider to be an arrogant and degrading article and to find people thinking it's hilarious.
Regards,
Anikka.
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Rose West
I think you are patronising and a know it all. You assume that people in wheelchairs have no sense of humour and that everyone should feel sorry for us. It is obvious from your tone that you are just one of those lefty liberal do gooders who probably has no gay disabled friends to speak of. I myself am a disabled lesbian and I thought the article was funny and when I have my photo taken at weddings I hate being wheeled down the front like a small insignificant child while everybody says 'aaaaahh' I prefer to struggle out, despite my lack of a leg, and being propped up at the side is by far the best solution.
Thank you and goodbye.
All the best
Rose
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disgusted2
Jeez, and i thought you were alright, Rose! You're welcome to think whatever you like, am not going to stop you voicing out your opinion like you're trying to do to me. I'll just say that there was absolutely no need to jump to conclusions and judge me when you didnt understand the essence of what i was trying to say in my first message.
And am not even going to try to explain (again) what i meant. You obviously WANT to believe the worst about me!
If i had to describe you, i'd find many unflattering adjectives that'd do the job, but i'm not going to do it, because there's some difference between me and you, and i'd prefer it remain this way.
I suppose we do need all kinds to make this world... (sigh)
Babye, take care!
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Harold Shipman
Did I mention I was a mass murderer?
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Rose West
What a cop out - yes there is a difference between us, darling. I'm a crippled lesbian in a wheelchair and you, my dear, are a thought nazi!
Thank you and goodnight
All the best
Rose
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Kate
As a Disabled bride-to-be I am absolutely disgusted by your comments about the bride and even more so by the way you talk about disabled guests!!!!!!!!!!!
It's fine to have an opinion and you are of course entitled to yours whether I agree or not but I think that posting this on your own website is surely professional suicide. I am in the process of looking for a photographer for my upcoming wedding and after what I have just read I would rather have no pics at all than have someone so disrespectful attending at my wedding. Although I am sure that given you attitude towards the disabled you wouldn't want my business anyway!!!!
I truly hope that you never find yourself disabled for any reason as from reading your comments I honestly don't think you would ever have the strength of character to pick up the pieces of your life and cope with it.
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pixie bum
Your attempts at personalising disability in the context of aesthetics emphasise your weaknesses as a photographer. As someone who provides a service which relies on creative ability, you fall short as an artist, of course too as a person in general but this is obvious and worthless to mull over as people like yourself who self-proclaim themselves as 'photographers', are really just people who have bought a camera know how to use some of the buttons, but completely lack anything else that is required of a photographer. I am sure your photographs are usually unimpressive cliché's mimicking corporate companies who offer mundane moments which celebrate banality, which for you is all you can hope to amount too.
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pixie bum
oh my goodness, i have just seen dereck's photos and i am baffled, i can't believe i wasted my time writing here, you are a little mischief maker and that is all... serves me right for reading the article and only the article before i went on a little rant.. my apologies, you can go back to sleep now..
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Derek
I do in fact have a disabled badge for the car and I resent the implication that I myself am not in fact disabled. The social agreed that the footage of me running to the Job Centre was inadmissible in court on the grounds that it could in fact have been speeded up using clever digital enhancement editing techniques.
All the best
Derek
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Paul Davies
Derek, I find your suggestion about using a spare wheelchair to balance up group shots very unhelpful. Being the UK's top husband and wife wedding photographers you may be able to afford these items but not all of us can. I suggest encouraging the bride and groom to invite wheelchair users in twos so that this problem is avoided altogether. As for the rest of your advice, well it has been enlightening and my photography is going from strength to strength.
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Derek
Paul, Paul, Paul - There is no need to purchase a wheelchair. Your local hospital will have plenty available just lying around awaiting collection. Tip: take an elderly relative with you. Get them to sit in it and wheel them home. Works every time.
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Zec
Dick head, people in wheelchairs struggle with wondering if people are looking at them differently and then YOU say things like that!
lets hope you dont get to witness life from a wheelchair, or maybe you should just to change your views!
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Magickdiva
Oh my word! Nobody has a sense of humour anymore - what is happening to us? Please - get a life all you mother grundies - and learn to laugh!!!
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Shocked!
I am disabled, yes in a wheelchair, and I am a professional photographer with a degree and an MA in the subject and I cannot believe what a rude and offensive twat you are. Your really make me feel sick and tbh I hope your business fails. You insufferable little twerp!!!!!!!!
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Bing Crosby
I hardly think it's acceptabe for a professional photographer to call someone else a 'twat', although given you have a degree and an MA you'll know all the implications of the word. Probably
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Christine DerekPyeFanGirl ,
If you have an MA you should really know that 7 exclamation marks are unnecessary. I'm not sure if it's possible for Derek to go out of business.
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Nick Wedding Photographer
As a follower of yours for many years, I thank you for your thoughtful advice on how not to let the odd spaz spoil a perfectly good photo. I wonder. would you have any useful information in how to deal with mentally ill guests? My current tactic is to tell them there's free ice cream round the back of the church, and take the photos quickly while they are gone, but sometimes the church is very small and they manage to get all the way round in 20 minutes.
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Hating your web site and your ideas on disability
Im getting married in a year my groom is in a wheelchair and so is my best man. your idea off balancing off the photos is the most stupidd idea ever. wedding photos are suposed to represent the couple not the chair . so balancing the photo is crap . i have been in touch with other photographers and they have giving me great ideas. and taking chairs from hospitals is a horrible idea - have you ever been hospital and need wheelchairs and people like you taking them is cruel and horrible and mean.
I think personal myself that you are a horible man. We all have imperfection . I also see that you have no photo of yourself up on your web site what are you the elephant man. YOU SHOULD NEVER DISCRIMATE AGANIST GROUP .
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mj
thank you thank you thank you. just been stressing about how on earth to plan wedding (my fiance is in a wheelchair),and this site has just brought me back to reality in true hilarious fashion. i may not have got any further with the wedding plans this evening, but i haven't laughed this hard in ages!
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mj
and the people taking you seriously have made me laugh the most!
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Disgusted2
Ok.. So I'm a disabled woman and I was wondering whether I could actually ever get married and have a traditional wedding because of my wheelchair, so I thought I'd google to see what others do and how for example their photographs turn out. I came onto your article and I'm disgusted at your use of the word cripple, do you realise how offensive that can be to someone who is paralysed. Quite a lot of disabled people see it as a derogatory term, just like the N word is to black people and the F word is to gay people. So a word of warning if you ever come across a disabled person or are writing about them. Choose your fucking words wisely.
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Derek
Thank you for your interest in booking Derek Pye Wedding Photography for your upcoming wedding. Could you let me know some more details before we proceed.
All the best
Derek
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Ivor Biggen
Dear Derek,
I am so pleased to have found your site. Unfortunately, I am due to marry a Crip in January, it's not something I ever imagined I'd be doing but she is from an exceptionally wealthy family and life will be so much easier for me once we're married.
It does have it's advantages though, once we've taken her upstairs for the evening, she can't sneak back downstairs and catch me doing her nurse - Try doing that with an able bodied girlfriend or wife!!!
Anyway as much as the last thing on earth I want are photo's of the event, she's insisting and well, to be fair, she is paying for it - Your site has given me some great ideas for propping her up between me and said nurse (22, size 8 and 32C) - Should be much better than having Crippy Crip Crip stuck in a chair with me looking all glum as I can now be smiling knowing that rather than being with her alone in the pics I can actually be groping the nurse!
Thanks Derek,
Ivor.
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Mister Groping
Can you get them to sit on Space Hoppers instead of wheelchairs?
It could result in some great action shots.
Loving your work Derek.
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Colin & Linda
Hi Derek
Tried to call you, but there was no reply.
Re our wedding tomorrow, our dealer has let us down and consequently we'll be short of GHB for the disco. Can you bring some with you? We'll settle up tomorrow.
Cheers
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Adolf Schucklrgruber
I am also wedding photographer of distinction,
having had liitle luck selling watercolours of late.
I have no advice regarding wheelchairs,
but i have found that when photographing a group
in which someone has a walking stick
a simple solution is to
quickly whip their stick away
give them a gentle push to the chest
they always fall backwards
I then leg it back to my tripod
the group closes ranks
and I get my picture
with no crip in it
affectionately yours
A.H.
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Martin Bormann
I also am award winning wedding photographer
having won I.C. with oak leaves for my picture
Adlerhorst with reclining bride, shot on a mauser camera
my solution for the crip in a wheelchair dilemma
is to always photograph your formal groups on a slope,
then all you have to do is position the disabled person at one side
of the group,
make sure that everyone is tidy, no chewing gum or hands in nostrils etc
then walk up to the wheelchair
release the brake
and leg it back to the tripod
quickly taking the picture
before the screams from the wheelchair pilot
are heard as they plummet down the slope backwards
yours truly
Marty Bormann
(Argentinas most surprising wedding photographer)
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Albert Kesselring
I have found the disabled problem to be one of balance
if one person in a group either has a limp or a walking stick
I simply note which is their bad foot
say it is their left foot
I then run quickly along the line of wedding guests
stamping hard on all of their left feet
everyone then leans or falls toward the same direction
that the crip is leaning
I then leg it back to my
ME109e Manfrotto Tripod
get a totally balanced picture
and the crip usually thanks me
dor making them feel the same as everyone else
yours
(smiling) Albert Kesselring
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Erwin R.
Ah. the problem with the wheelchairs
is often worse when they are motorised
as when they run out of fuel
they just stand about immobile,
like big static things in a kind of desert
anyway, I digress
my solution is tactically brilliant,
( even though I say it myself!)
place the wheelchair wherever you wish in the group
just before you take the picture
simply wander over with a few handfuls of leaves
and a tree branch or two
yes. you guessed it.
camouflage.
totally covered in vegetation
the person in the wheelchair will be lucky if their eyeballs are visible
result. everyone happy.
E.Rommel.
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Mabel McElhennery
Dear Mr Erwin
you should be ashamed of yourself using that camouflage trick on a wedding guest in a wheelchair.
I only hope that you get your come uppance one day,
like the wedding photographer who camouflaged
my aunty Mabels wheelchair at my sisters wedding last year.
anyway, his trick worked
and he forgot all about it
until later that day, he was standing about,
minding his own business
when a mulberry bush swung a leg out at him and kicked him in the testicles
it was aunty Mabel.
serves him right too.
his pictures were crap as well
Mabel McE
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Henri Cartier-Bresson
Del
Can you send me some more Monster Munch over (Pickled Onion flavour) . Still can't get them here, I'm afraid.
Thanks
HCB
x
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Benito
You lot are just a bunch of fascists
my solution is much more simple
I wear flamboyant clothing with lots of braid and ribbons
I strut about grinning at all the ladies in the group
I taka da pitcha, like the wheelchair is'a no problem to me
I taka da money
I retreat . . I donta care eefa da pitch has a wheelchair innit
the pitcha probably won't come out anyway
yours posthumously
Benito
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Clara
I am wondering what sort of underwear is good for a boudoir shoot.
C.Pettacci.
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Eva B.
Hi Clara
My man always liked red with white bits and some detail in black
E.B.
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Clara
Thanks Eva,
my man has recently rebranded his photography business
he's struggling with to find a name that sounds classier than
Blackshirtpics and I wondered if I could cheer him up with a naughty boudoir shoot
tried some little Italian bird in London, but she seemed to like the ladies too much for my liking.
do you think that HCB feller on this message board would do a shoot for me ?
C. Pettacci
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Magda Goebbels
I find the simplest and kindest solution
to the wheelchair problem
is to announce that
we are doing the group pictures
at the top of a staircase
if by any chance
the wheelchair user finds a lift
and appears, smiling, at the top of the stairs
a little push will find them hurtling to the bottom again
Magda G.
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Oscar Pistorius
Never mess with disableds
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Richard P Walton
Del Boy me old mukka, think you've had one to many again. I've got those pills you asked about a while back. Can we work a deal out on the cathedral dome?
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