Of course one has to feel sorry for the young man who aspires to be a top wedding photographer at the top of the husband and wife wedding photography game. How can a callow youth possibly understand the fairer sex, when his experience of the ladies probably goes no further than a couple of trips to a STD clinic.
As far as women are concerned there are not many known knowns and a a baffling array of unknown unknowns to contend with. As wedding photography involves spending the best part of Saturday dealing these unknown unknowns the photographer needs consummate bride management skills to make it through the day. I've been married 4 times and so there is not much you can tell me about bride management. As long as you start with the premise that all women are mentally ill and need medication then you won't go far wrong. You should approach a wedding on the basis that all the women at the do have forgotten their pills. Be on your toes at all times or you will get hurt. Your only defence is to repeat the words, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and dress in a variety of combination's until you’re sick into your camera bag.
I have a list as long as my arm as to why women are nutters but here is just one example.
You go down the Off Licence to buy a bottle of Vodka, some Red Bull and, why not eh, some fancy crisps. Maybe some of those tasty spicy Thai ones...(back in a minute - Derek)
Ah, OK, so where was I. Yes there you are in the Offy, in the queue behind some old dear. She gets to the counter and puts her bottle of Pino Grigio and her bag of pictachios down. Fair play. No problem. The assistant rings up her purchases and tells her the amount due. Then, and only then, as if taken by surprise by this request for payment, the old tart starts ruffling around in her handbag and then shaking as if mortally offended by the sheer gall of the shop assistant to dare ask such a thing, she fiddles about until at long last she locates her mysterious purse. Eventually, after what seems like an hour, she manages to open it and finally, finally pays before shuffling off to get pissed and watch an ITV1 drama. AAAaaaaaaaaaagh! YOU are in a shop buying goods, woman! Have your purse at the ready as you approach the counter! Didn't you realise they were going to ask you for money and your money is in your purse. Jesus.
The 'Not Getting Your Purse Out Until The Last Minute' annoyance is obviously a Freudian thing, but I'm not going to go into the whole purse vagina, vagina purse thing here. I've got crisps to eat.
Bride Management Tip: make sure you take a dump before starting the bridal preparation shots.