Wedding photography is not for the faint hearted. I first got into the business shooting war weddings in Vietnam and even spent a spell in Afghanistan shooting weddings. I gave that up as they always seemed to get accidentally bombed by the Americans. Fortunately it was only the women and children that died in these tragic accidents so I was able to make it back to Penge safely. If I get bookings in war zones now then I prefer to send my assistant Muktar. Then again if I get a booking in Essex I prefer to send Muktar.

Working in extreme conditions hardens you and you can develop lots of tricks along that way that make the difficult task of capturing precious memories easier. Modern wedding photography is rammed up to the jowls with tasty trickery. Here’s one of my all time favourites.

The modern bride is full of questions. I blame those terrible wedding magazines that think it’s clever to publish articles with the headline - ‘Questions you MUST ask your Wedding Photographer’. Be warned that I take offense if clients ask me questions. You don’t book the Greatest Living Wedding Photographer - Derek Pye™ and then expect him to speak to you. The thing about these articles is that they are written by 21 year old journalists who aren’t married and have no intention of getting married. They are too busy getting shitfaced for that.

Thanks to these publications any meeting with a potential client is more like 48 hours with the Stasi. Here are a few of the most common questions and the correct answers.