1. I’ve rented a premium rate number and attached a sign to the back of the glamour wagon that reads: ‘ Driven badly. Call this number 0900 etc’. Money raised from driving badly is then spent to replace the used petrol.
2. My assistant, Muktar, now walks to each wedding rather than travelling in the car with me. The reduced weight in the vehicle saves a bit of fuel and allows me to travel faster, especially as he is carrying all the equipment.
3. I’ve found over the years that clients often reject up to 99%, or more, of the images taken at a wedding. These images are no longer thrown away but are carried over to the next wedding.
4. All my postproduction and album manufacture has been out sourced to India, using only the finest child labour. This has dramatically reduced pollution, as the children involved walk to work, sometimes for many miles. The children are also much less likely to travel abroad on cut-price airlines, as they never seem to want a day off.
5. I’ve also today just thought up a new ‘package’. Derek Pye’s ‘ Gurn 'n’ Burn™’ service. This is a totally green low carbon, small portion wedding photography package. Muktar will walk to your wedding, take about 20 photos and burn them to disc during the signing of the register. You will be handed your memories as you walk back down the aisle.
6. I promise to make all my prints and albums 80% Lead Free by 2009. Existing customers should continue to use the special gloves provided to handle their photographs until they can afford to order replacement prints from my overseas supplier.